I have a dream & I'm not drinking the kool-aid

Life's most persistent and urgent question is, "what are you doing for others?"

-Martin Luther King Jr.

^^this is the face of someone who doesn't care about the frigid cold weather, just ready to embark on a long awaited new journey (my face, not miles', he's actually freezing.) ^^

i know i've been away, but first let me start by saying this...

i recently took a trip to utah & this trip changed my entire life perspective. in a matter of three days i shed my skin and from my branch i grew a bud on the verge of blossoming. my spark became reignited & i for the first time in a long time i felt truly present. i felt a little light inside of me, that had been dim for so long, beaming. i learned so much...more than so much. so much that my brain would be pulsating & tired & screaming at me "i cannot retain anymore today! i'm on the verge of explosion! come back tomorrow." so then i would. i would sleep (oh my, sleep is so magical.) & i would wake, and the cycle would start over again. this went on for three days. how can i feel so different after three days? how can i revert back to the feeling where everything is new and captivating to me? how can i maintain that childlike sense of wonder? why can't i stay home with my son? what is stopping me? why do i feel so worried about what other people think of me? why don't i take my self seriously? why don't i give myself enough credit? why do i undermine my true passions & talents? why don't i feel happy about my current situation? why do i feel an overwhelming sense of guilt about going against my grain? why am i doing what society says i should be doing? why am i not doing what i want to be doing? these are the kind of questions i left with & they don't stop, they just keep coming.

i think the greatest lesson i took home with me from the conference was to stop wondering when i will feel like i have arrived. i will never feel that way. i heard some amazingly successful people speak, and although they spoke so differently and had different stories to tell in different ways, they were all were saying the same thing. you will never feel like you've arrived. and that's ok. that's not a bad thing, that is a great thing!

the goals i have now will turn into bigger goals and when i attain those, i'll have a new set of goals and so on & so forth. i have to stay hungry, i have to work hard at what i love, and if i believe in myself and i surround myself with people who believe in me, there is nothing or anyone who can stop me from accomplishing what i set out to achieve.

you are now at the stage in reading this where you're wondering if there were some type of drugs in my water source or if this was some peoples temple, jim jones "drink our kook-aid" ploy. nope. i wasn't brainwashed. well, let me reword that. i was brainwashed but only in the good brainwashing way you'd want to be brainwashed. I was brainwashed by things everyone should be brainwashed by such as doing right by yourself, doing good for others, and sharing & loving. then, we should, with all that loving & sharing, learn to take all that you've created & knead, bake, and cut it all into adorable bite sized cookies which are perfectly frosted & the goal is to pass them out & around everywhere you go to as many people around you to try & make their lives better & happier. and when they feel the love & they've been given the goodness, they'll hopefully pay it forward, and want to share it with someone else. and all in all, these concepts will live on & on & overall the world will become a better place. & isn't that what we all want?

 i wasn't brainwashed, i was lost & then i was found. i was surrounded by people who so simply wanted to share & inspire & listen to everyone around them. they wanted to love you for you & they legitimately wanted to hear your story. and whilst you were telling your story, they werent thinking about what it was they wanted to say next, nor did they interject. they would nod, and really hear you. everyone gave hugs, and sometimes they cried, and we all laughed a lot & i loved that because to be able to emote is a wonderful thing. it's a gift. this event was a gift. it was a congregation of creative minds and the power was in the numbers. my wheels began to turn after a long while of sitting at a halt. this was my wd-40, this was my long awaited confirmation to myself that i need to keep writing. i need to keep blogging & creating & doing what i love all the while getting lost and found again & again. i need to keep yearning for my arrival even if i know i'll never get there.

i hope this made your day a little brighter
& i hope you get lost in something so wonderful you pray to god you never get found.
bon voyage,

post-op

first off, i'd like to say thank you to everyone who wished us well after my last post. your words and gestures of kidness meant the world to me & my family. 

with that being said...

i am elated to announce L flew through the surgery & recovery with flying colors! before we could even think or worry about the procedure, it was over. luca was difficult to put down (because of how scared and upset he was), but i was told he woke up like an angel, which of course didn't surprise me one bit. i only broke down once as they wheeled lu away to the operating room, but luckily miles was by my side and we were able to be of support to one another.

  side story: on the paperwork they gave us to fill out, for some odd reason, i was listed as not being the legal guardian of luca, which in turn evoked a ton of jokes from miles & me feeling bitter towards the person responsible for this. no one ever really believes lu is my biological child. i am constantly asked whether i'm his nanny, adoptive parent, or step-mother (yes, people have the nerve to ask these types of questions). this insanity completely drives me insane. i get it, i am dark, with dark hair, dark eyes, and have few, if any, recessive traits--L on the other hand has strawberry blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and china doll pale white skin. we don't look related, but WE ARE. I PAINFULLY BIRTHED HIM, give me a little cred here, throw me a bone, sheesh. 

anyway, aside from all that madness, we took our little boy home that same day and slowly introduced liquids & then food back into his diet. since he couldn't eat or drink from midnight the night before, eating slowly seemed like a torturous chore much like me trying to give L the eye drops the doctor prescribed him. I almost had to call in for a refill as i lost many droplets in all places but his eye. we had no complications and the healing process was as if nothing had ever happened.  L was really loopy and sleepy the rest of the day & i happily took some time off work to be with him. we both took a long nap and then it seemed like everything just returned to normal. children are so resilient, it's incredible. i also know a large part of this had to do with the amazing pediatric specialist, dr. ortiz, we were so fortunate to have. he took such good care of luca and kept us extremely informed throughout the entire process (which you just know makes a mama happy). we simply loved him. i know this is a really common issue in infants, blocked tear ducts, so i hope i put those of you in our same position at ease about having the procedure done. and of course if you have any questions, i'd be happy to fill you in the best to my ability. 

 i  am so thankful to each and every one of you who kept me and my family in your thoughts. although a totally simple procedure, the anesthesia was upping my anxiety to uncharted territory & naturally, i was a wreck. but after everything, we have already seen amazing results, we are just so lucky. i love you all & because I just cannot say it enough...

thank you, thank you, thank you.

xx

Anniversary

One year later and we're still crazy about each other. 

I remember so vividly walking down the aisle and feeling like it was just Miles and I there. It was completely surreal. And then we were announced as Mr. and Mrs. Miles Wood. Here we are now, married a whole year already. My how the time has just whisps on by. I'm still impressed with myself for winning over this man's heart. We all know he won mine.

Another post about Luca

Here's a sneak preview of Luca's halloween "day" costume. I say "day" because he has more than just one costume. He'll be a dinosaur throughout the day and at night he'll break out into his custom costume. We won't be premiering his other costume until halloween because Luca requested a suspense build up! So stay tuned and trust me when I say it will be worth the wait! 

But really...since when do dinos have ghost socks and leggings?

From the day we brought him home, this baby has been flexing those legs straight. Not to mention,

I'm completely jealous of the muscular tone in his thighs. How does a youngster keep so sculpted? 

It's as if he was doing squats in the womb...

Exhibit A

As far as upper body goes, I've yet to find Luca's neck, and tell me those chubby cheeks aren't the best thing since sliced bread! Being constantly surrounded by two such handsome men can be overwhelming, but I've adjusted just fine ;) And Miles is such a good dad...He and Luca are two peas in a pod. Somehow, even after all the time I spend with Luca, he gives Miles his biggest gummy smiles, his loudest giggles and squeaks, and his most drooly of kisses. It's as if he saves them up just for him completely unfair. 

How could I ever deny him? He looks up at me and those big blue eyes just beam "mama!" and my heart could burst into a million pieces.

I'm constantly thinking up different topics to blog about but somehow as I scroll through my thousands of pictures of Luca (literally, thousands) I can't seem to stop talking about how happy he makes me, and of course I have to throw in a couple brags in true mom form. Since Luca, life feels so natural, my life feels so purposeful and I just want to share it with the world! Eventually I'll write about other things but this blog was intended to document the life and times of my family and right now this is my world. Just as I finished typing that last sentence Luca began fussing. I went over and picked him up and draped him atop my chest. He instantly relaxed and his legs curled up into the fetal position. He fell asleep with his arms hugging around me. He needs me, and I can't tell you how amazing that feels. And on that note, I'm calling it a night.

Sew you broke your toe, huh?

So I realize its been a few days since I've been on here, but this week has been pretty hectic for us. I've been feeling pretty bad with morning sickness for a good portion of the week, and on days where I'm not feeling well all I want to do is crawl into bed and lie there undisturbed until the episode passes. Poor Miles has been such a trooper throughout this entire pregnancy, always swaying in whichever direction the wind of hormones seems to blow us.

By Friday I was feeling a lot better and running all the errands I had neglected throughout the week, and in the midst of all the commotion I snagged my left pinky toe on the couch and completely broke it. I tried to go about the rest of my day thinking it was a bad stub, but the pain kept intensifying and by the time Miles got off of work the bruising and swelling spoke for themselves, not to mention my mini breakdown and flood of tears. I know the baby toe has to be one of the smallest bones in the body, but why is it that the smallest injuries always tend to hurt the worst, i.e. paper cuts, bee stings, tetanus shots, etc.? It could also be that maybe, quite possibly, I'm the world's biggest baby. Miles keeps reminding me that I do in fact have to give birth to a child in t-minus two months or so, and each time I just give him the "are you kidding me?" expression followed by the "you think I don't worry about that every day of my existence?" look. He makes a very valid point, but I'd rather live in my own fantastical world believing that the pain of my broken pinky toe far outweighs any discomfort to be caused by squeezing a watermelon out of a walnut. Even if I'm totally kidding myself, at least we got some good laughs from my chubby foot, and I'm preventing myself from having a full-fledged panic attack, for now anyhow...

In the mean time I'm simply going to work on healing his toe. Unfortunately, there is nothing a doctor can do for a broken toe that you can't do at home, so I didn't even bother with urgent care. Thankfully Miles, having his fair share of broken toes from skateboarding, had a sleeve-full of home remedies and for the rest of the weekend I alternated between epsom soaks, icing, and elevating, all of which helped tremendously.  I was pretty bummed to be couch-bound for the weekend, especially when I had been home all week, but on the upside, I found the cutest pattern and went on a crafting binge hand-stitching a mobile for the baby's crib. I was very pleased with the finished product and can't wait to hang it in the nursery. If you feel inclined to get your stitch on too, you can find the free pattern on this blog here.

In between all the needlework, we watched a few movies, had breakfast for dinner, refurbished Miles' childhood robot-shaped fan which he appropriately had named "robofan" sometime in the early 90s, and even managed to take a walk on the beach. It felt good to dip my feet in the ocean, the ultimate salt-soak, and the soft sand wasn't too bad either. There is something so freeing about looking out at the pacific ocean and imagining the stretch of nothingness between us and the next land mass. It is so grounding and humbling, at least for myself, remembering that there exists something so much bigger and so much more powerful than little ol' me, and I love being able to call that reminder my "home." Who knows where we will be living in the future, or even a few months from now, but as of now I can say I love where I live. What started out as an unfortunate week of events, turned into a great weekend at home, and nothing compliments a great weekend better than spending it with your best friend. And we keep floatin' on...

Growing.

Yesterday evening we spotted the first green sprouts of the grass we planted! Miles felt so accomplished, and I reveled in joy with him. This encouraged me to start my spring cleaning. I've been reorganizing our little space, making room for the baby. Is it too soon to be nesting? I'm at the stage in my pregnancy where day by day it is becoming more and more real that this is actually happening. Sometimes I feel like time has flown by, while in other instances I can't remember a time when I wasn't pregnant. In reality, time is really flying though, and in no time at all life as we know it will be completely changed.

One of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut, once offered advice saying: "And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is." He observed that humans seldom notice when they are happy. Well it is about time I offer my own happiness some brainspace; I can honestly say I can't think of a time I've been happier, or a time I've been more proud to be alive. Whether it is budding grass or Miles and I in our life path, things wont stop growing around here, and I couldn't be more gratified. And I keep thinking, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

Sending endless wishes of happiness your way...

Embarking on a new journey...

My blogging skills haven't been so successful in the past, so don't be too shocked if this too falls to shambles, but I thought I would try once again to tackle a new project. The idea is for me document the life and times of my growing family. I thought it would be neat to journal about everyday happenings and events as a means to have something to look back on in a year, two, or three from now, and as an added bonus I can keep everyone in my life updated as to what I am up to these days, especially those who I may not see so often.

So for those who may need a quick briefing:
I finished school at Cal State San Marcos about a year ago and am now currently working as a life insurance agent under an independent broker--not exactly what I earned my degree in, but it pays the bills, so I can't complain. Miles is working for a company called the Kayo Corp., a skateboarding manufacturing company that houses four major skateboarding brands. He loves it, and the fact that it immerses him daily in the industry he most adores is an added perk. My grandfather once told me, "do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life," so cheers to you grandpa Ray, I think Miles may be on to something.

Miles and I were engaged in December and married on February 9th. I got real "Khloe and Lamar Odom" with my wedding planning seeing as I put it all together in approximately 3.5 weeks. Did I just make a Kardashian reference in my first post? Well, that pretty much sums up the randomness you may come across while exploring this thing. And I'm not even going to apologize; don't say you weren't warned! Also, we are with child, physically speaking anyway. I am 27 weeks today and we are due on July 20th although realistically he can come anytime in the month of July and still be full term. Oh yes, we are having a baby boy! We are very ecstatic to be starting our little family.
 The past year has brought with it so many changes and new beginnings, and as I reflect on all that has happened, I also welcome all the many things that have never been.

I hope everyone is doing well, and I really am going to try and update this blog on a regular basis. Time will tell.