As I think about being a mother, I think about how so very soon we will leave our house as two and come home as three. I think about how I will tell Luca the story of how his dad and I met and fell in love, and how we were before he came into our lives...
I want him to know how amazing our journey has been thus far, how fast we fell in love, and how purely, truly, and freely we loved before he ever existed. How we were friends first, and how important that friendship has been in our growth. I want him to know how naturally it all happened, and how I can't think of a better example of when something feels right, it's just right. I'll tell him how we traveled at every opportunity and how we laughed hard. a lot. I'll tell him that it wasn't always easy, we didn't always know where we were going or what we were doing, but we always ended up where we were supposed to be because
everything always works out. I hope that my son lives our love even more so than the million and one times we will express it to him. I hope that he learns through this love to always follow his heart, and to never fear taking huge risks. I wish for him to be open to experience, and even more so I want him to one day be fortunate enough to experience for himself a love like the one I found.
In no other circumstance should our paths have crossed, but somehow they did and we were just what each of us had been looking for without fully knowing it. Everything progressed so organically and before we knew it our lives began morphing as one, each of us a perfect opposite and compliment to the other. I imagine seeing our son for the first time will be much like this. A new yet familiar feeling that you are exactly aligned where you should be in time and space. Nothing and everything makes sense all at the same time, and the world stops spinning for a moment with nothing else being of any importance to you but the feeling of utter completeness.
I was just branching out into a completely new chapter in my life, just finishing school and wondering what my next venture would be. I was finding myself and really coming into my own when I began falling in love with the person who would become my entire world. We were friends long before any romance ever sparked, more than friends even, roommates. It's a very long story, one which would need an entire blog itself, but our situation ended up being the best place to nurture our new relationship. Not only did we know each other for who we really were, but we knew how each other lived in their element. There were no secrets or surprises, everything was face value with us. It was a bit awkward when we first started dating of course. There was that fuzzy transition in learning to be boyfriend and girlfriend rather than roommates, but I'd say we adjusted pretty quickly. We were off to the races, and day by day we were discovering more and more about each other, and pinwheeling into what would become "us."
I knew I loved Miles long before I ever told him. There wasn't a distinct moment or specific event when I knew, I just had an overwhelming feeling of symmetry I had never felt before. He is so much a part of me and who I am. I sometimes find the line between 'me' and 'us' a bit blurry, yet both of us are still such independent persons. We are protectors over each other's solitudes and at the same time we are a true partnership.
Before Luca ever was, We talked about getting married, and dreamed about our future, but finding out we were pregnant was a huge shock. We never planned or thought about what a baby would bring to our lives. Huge believers in the power of words, we are always expressing our wants and needs aloud to each other and for the universe to hear. One night, Miles was expressing to me how he needed a change in his life, how he felt stagnant, but he wasn't sure what that change looked like or what it would be. Little did he know, what he was asking for was already manifesting. I was a few weeks pregnant during that conversation and didn't yet know it. The most life changing event for both of us was growing within me, and a few weeks later we would hear his heartbeat for the first time.
From the very beginning I wondered how this would change us and the dynamic of our relationship, and through it all we've only grown closer and closer. Throughout my pregnancy I've fallen in love with my husband all over again. He has been my backbone through these long months, and I know I could not have done it without him. I know the woman carries the child, but I haven't felt I've been carrying the weight, no pun intended, alone. Miles has been doing it with me all along. His support for me is immense, and his care and gratitude for what I am doing has been tremendous. Everyday I feel more motivated and encouraged to be the best version of myself for me and my family. I've never felt more like a woman or more purposeful in my entire life, and a large part of that is because I've been blessed with someone who looks at me as if I spun the world into motion. At least that's how he makes me feel. I pray one day that my son finds someone who makes him feel significant, unique, appreciated, and beautiful, just like his father makes me feel every single day, or better yet becomes the man that makes his wife feel as special as I do. Miles has been a gift. A perfectly wrapped, ribbon-tied, vibrant package you would find on christmas morning. Every day gets better and better and I'm not afraid of the change anymore. My love for Miles is so great it engulfs me, and I know he feels the same. He has my complete support, utmost respect, and undying loyalty. We are in this together for the long haul. He is the best of me. I remember looking at him as we drove away from our wedding thinking, this is everything I have ever wanted, and day by day that rings truer and truer.
If I wasn't already lucky enough to marry Miles, I was lucky enough to marry my best friend. And if there was ever such a thing as soul mates, well there is no doubt he was meant for me. I don't know if I'll remember what it was like being "just the two of us," already that feels like a distant memory. Even the thought of there once being a "just me" seems like a figment of my imagination. Because the truth is, our little boy is a part of us now, and has been since the moment I uttered to Miles those two simple words. It has been the three of us all along. Already I'm in awe at the life we've created, I don't think I'm even close to knowing what is to come once this little one makes his entrance into our lives, but I am front row, arms in the air, flailing about, eyes wide open, ready for the ride.
Our Dearest Luca,
As much as I want you to know us as we were, we alone could never have been as great as we are since we knew there was a you.
Above all, we are this, we are in love with you. Complete, whole-hearted, aching love.
And if you know nothing else about us, know that we adored you before you were ever born.
Know that we yearn to learn from you...We want to be your teachers, yes, but we long to be your students. And we long to learn from you over and over again what it means to be innocent, youthful, light-hearted, and purely good in the face of the world.
Sweet baby boy, an embodiment of our love, we will strive to do right by you every step of the way. We will do our very best to provide for you a platform where you can only thrive.
Please forgive us when we make mistakes, as I know we will.
Coming into this world means that you will be human too. You will do great things we know, but you will also have moments of uncertainty and mistakes, and we long to be there when you do, to offer you forgiveness or a helping hand. Know that there is nothing you could ever do that would stop us from loving you.
We wish we could tell you that life is always grand, but that would be a lie.
It's hard to imagine now as you so sweetly and safely twist and turn inside of me, but you are in for a crazy ride, which is to say that you are in for being alive. We won't always be able to shield you from the evils that exist, but know that there is so much good in the world. We long to teach you to seek out the good in everything, to see you perform your first act of kindness or generosity, and to see you grow into the wonderful human you are destined to be. There is so much we wish for, but most importantly we hope that you learn to live the questions. If you learn to live the questions you will one day, so suddenly, stumble upon the answers.
We love you so, Mama and Papa
