I have a dream & I'm not drinking the kool-aid

Life's most persistent and urgent question is, "what are you doing for others?"

-Martin Luther King Jr.

^^this is the face of someone who doesn't care about the frigid cold weather, just ready to embark on a long awaited new journey (my face, not miles', he's actually freezing.) ^^

i know i've been away, but first let me start by saying this...

i recently took a trip to utah & this trip changed my entire life perspective. in a matter of three days i shed my skin and from my branch i grew a bud on the verge of blossoming. my spark became reignited & i for the first time in a long time i felt truly present. i felt a little light inside of me, that had been dim for so long, beaming. i learned so much...more than so much. so much that my brain would be pulsating & tired & screaming at me "i cannot retain anymore today! i'm on the verge of explosion! come back tomorrow." so then i would. i would sleep (oh my, sleep is so magical.) & i would wake, and the cycle would start over again. this went on for three days. how can i feel so different after three days? how can i revert back to the feeling where everything is new and captivating to me? how can i maintain that childlike sense of wonder? why can't i stay home with my son? what is stopping me? why do i feel so worried about what other people think of me? why don't i take my self seriously? why don't i give myself enough credit? why do i undermine my true passions & talents? why don't i feel happy about my current situation? why do i feel an overwhelming sense of guilt about going against my grain? why am i doing what society says i should be doing? why am i not doing what i want to be doing? these are the kind of questions i left with & they don't stop, they just keep coming.

i think the greatest lesson i took home with me from the conference was to stop wondering when i will feel like i have arrived. i will never feel that way. i heard some amazingly successful people speak, and although they spoke so differently and had different stories to tell in different ways, they were all were saying the same thing. you will never feel like you've arrived. and that's ok. that's not a bad thing, that is a great thing!

the goals i have now will turn into bigger goals and when i attain those, i'll have a new set of goals and so on & so forth. i have to stay hungry, i have to work hard at what i love, and if i believe in myself and i surround myself with people who believe in me, there is nothing or anyone who can stop me from accomplishing what i set out to achieve.

you are now at the stage in reading this where you're wondering if there were some type of drugs in my water source or if this was some peoples temple, jim jones "drink our kook-aid" ploy. nope. i wasn't brainwashed. well, let me reword that. i was brainwashed but only in the good brainwashing way you'd want to be brainwashed. I was brainwashed by things everyone should be brainwashed by such as doing right by yourself, doing good for others, and sharing & loving. then, we should, with all that loving & sharing, learn to take all that you've created & knead, bake, and cut it all into adorable bite sized cookies which are perfectly frosted & the goal is to pass them out & around everywhere you go to as many people around you to try & make their lives better & happier. and when they feel the love & they've been given the goodness, they'll hopefully pay it forward, and want to share it with someone else. and all in all, these concepts will live on & on & overall the world will become a better place. & isn't that what we all want?

 i wasn't brainwashed, i was lost & then i was found. i was surrounded by people who so simply wanted to share & inspire & listen to everyone around them. they wanted to love you for you & they legitimately wanted to hear your story. and whilst you were telling your story, they werent thinking about what it was they wanted to say next, nor did they interject. they would nod, and really hear you. everyone gave hugs, and sometimes they cried, and we all laughed a lot & i loved that because to be able to emote is a wonderful thing. it's a gift. this event was a gift. it was a congregation of creative minds and the power was in the numbers. my wheels began to turn after a long while of sitting at a halt. this was my wd-40, this was my long awaited confirmation to myself that i need to keep writing. i need to keep blogging & creating & doing what i love all the while getting lost and found again & again. i need to keep yearning for my arrival even if i know i'll never get there.

i hope this made your day a little brighter
& i hope you get lost in something so wonderful you pray to god you never get found.
bon voyage,

If I could write a letter to me...

and send it back in time to myself at seventeen...  I'd start like this:

dear chelsie,
first, i'll prove it's me by saying, look between your mattress and box spring. you'll find a stack of cosmopolitan magazines your mother would kill you for reading. did you find them? ok, now throw that trash away and read a real book.
now that that's out of the way...
 what could I possibly tell you, that you don't think you already know, because I know you think you have it all figured out, and you know everything, don't you?

well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you don't know everything, and even at 24 you still will find yourself trying to figure out where the heck in this wild world you belong...

you are very mature for your age, yes, but my oh my do you have so much to learn...

about life.

about relationships.

about forgiveness.

about loss.

about love.

about motherhood.

about happiness.

part of me doesn't want you to know about these things just yet because your naivety and innocence are beautiful and they shield you from so much angst and hurt. The other part of me knows that when you know better you do better, so I'll share with you some things, but not all things so that somehow that very shy, unsure girl can sort some of this out on her own, and in the midst of living all the questions, I promise you...you someday, so suddenly, will stumble upon all the answers.

right now your life revolves around friday night lights, you live for the weekends. you sleep in until noon and pull all nighters (& your future self wants to know how you make tired look so easy?). your main stressors at this point include mr. salvador's history exams, your forehand in tennis, boys (oh lordy, why boys??), college applications & making sure you hair, every strand, is perfectly straight because that's whats in right now & you have to be relevant. you feel like this is your prime, and you are constantly working to fit in, to feel "perfect," and if you can do that, maybe, just maybe, everyone will like you. your hair is curly, and it is beautiful. i wish you would let it down every once in a while. i wish you wouldn't pile on so much make up because your out of the "acne" phase and your skin is flawless. less is more. i wish you wouldn't fight so hard to be like everybody else. i know you want everyone to like you, but you can't please everyone, so please yourself. you'll learn later on that people will like you for being genuine, and if they don't who cares, you won't ever see most of these people again. & i hate to break it to you, but these aren't the best years of your life.

i know your high school friends feel like the most important people in your life, but you'll only maintain a relationship with a few, so don't put too much stress on what group your hanging out with. you are so in love with your wonderful high school sweetheart, quinn. try not to fall too hard because in college you will slowly, overtime realize he isn't "the one," and breaking his heart will be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. But, on second note, that innocent love you have is precious, it's honest & true, so continue to love freely and feel loved in return because you're going to need him soon, and you'll realize people come in and out of your life for a purpose.

this summer will be one of the most life changing summers of your entire being. your entire world will be shattered. i want you to know this in advance so you can brace yourself before you're hit (metaphorically), but in hindsight, knowing sooner rather than later won't make any sort of difference. what i will say is this: treasure your mother more. hug her and kiss her and tell her you love her every chance you get. you have so little time with her left. ask her about her childhood, her love life, her pregnancies, her marriage, her demons, her happiness, her favorite life lessons, and ask her if she needs anything. write everything down. when you find out your mom is battling for her life with stage 4 cancer, don't do anything different. don't be so afraid of life as it's happening. cherish all of it. when you move away to college, come home every chance you get and take only a few classes. you'll have forever to graduate, but only a few months left with your mom. when your mom passes away, don't be so hard on yourself. let grief happen naturally and be more expressive to those you can lean on. everyone wants to help you. you aren't a burden & they aren't going to be upset at you for breaking down. you need them right now.

forgive whichever god you believe in right now. don't put so much blame on the universe. no one is at fault, and i know, i know, this is so difficult to believe, but you will be happy again. i promise. this is a season of your life and you are growing. right now you are hurt & angry, a lethal combination. but you'll survive. and one day you'll have a beautiful family of your own. you'll have a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby boy. you won't know how you could love anything more. you'll wonder often how difficult it was for your mom to leave you because you can't imagine ever leaving your son. you don't hurt so much in the future. you are so happy.

help out your little sister. don't try to be her mother, she already has one, she needs a sister. i want you to realize now what a blessing your sister is in your life. you are two peas in a pod and it only gets to be better. your relationship is one in a million. you become best friends, just like sisters are in the movies, but so much better.

  all the relationships leading up to your marriage serve a purpose. you're learning what you do and do not want in a partner, so pay attention and don't waste so much time on the losers. keep a diary. your future self would love to read it. you have a habit of daydreaming. when people tell you this is bad, don't believe them. you do so well in college, don't stress so much. you hate that you are good at english, but that will be your major and soon enough you'll love it. when you receive your acceptance letters in the mail, don't worry, you pick the right one. you are so hardworking and a great juggler. don't worry, none of that changes. you're going to learn about yoga & meditation and this will change your life, so when that happens, run with it. travel as much as you can to everywhere and anywhere and take way too many pictures. even the "bad" ones look good to you in the future. learn to stay organized, learning at 24 turns out to be way more difficult. you say now, you will never be a teacher, you're a teacher. you have so many ideas and you can't figure out which ones are important. they all are. prioritize and pursue them all. your marriage will require a lot of selflessness and good communication. practice these things now. for the billionth time, quit worrying! you're gonna end up just fine.

now, go be 17 because 24 will be here before you know it.
say hello to mom for me
your future self,
you.

ringing in the new year

 hello my sweet friends! can you believe we're saying goodbye to another year already? didn't we just wrap up last year? its true what they say, time goes by so much faster once you have a baby! so much happened in 2014 for us, it definitely was one of our most monumental & best years yet. watching our baby boy grow into such a handsome young toddler has to be one of the most magical things i've ever experienced. miles and i are just shy of completing our second year of marriage & i grew as an individual in so many ways. i would call 2014 a year of growth all around. here are just a few of the remarkable moments we had this year:

• luca was diagnosed with plagiocephaly. he wore a corrective helmet for four months & he successfully graduated from his helmet in may when the doctor considered his problem "corrected." he looked like a little linebacker and everyone fussed over him in it. i can't say we liked it, but it definitely wasn't near as bad as we thought it would be. there is always a silver lining, sometimes you have to dig around before you see it, am i right?
• we relocated from the coast and renovated a beautiful home in the suburbs. although we dream of going back to san diego all the time, we couldn't be happier with our new home & we love being so close to family. 
• miles and i finally got around to taking our honeymoon in hawaii. it was our first time leaving lu, but we had so much fun and gained some much needed alone time. love was in the air!
• our baby boy had his very first birthday in july & he began walking a week later. i've been chasing him everywhere ever since.
• Luca had his tear duct surgery just before christmas which had to be the scariest moment for us in 2014, but he flew through with flying colors and couldn't be better!
• i began working as a high school english teacher in the fall. i was asked to come back in the spring and i accepted. i'll be teaching 9th and 10th grade english come monday.

miles and i decided to come up with a word to encompass the coming year and at first we chose endeavor because we know how much exploring we'll be doing in the coming year, both personally & professionally. but as we tossed endeavor around while lying in bed this morning, we felt it just didn't quite feel right. so, we in turn decided on embrace. 2015 will be our year to embrace; embrace change, embrace new beginnings, embrace one another, embrace letting go, embrace an overall healthy life in every way possible. 

i've decided i want to put my emphasis on morals and values this year & live with more intention in all that i do. i want to accept what i cannot change, and be more present. i can't wait to see what 2015 will bring, i just know it's going to be good, but it sure has a lot to live up to! thank you to each of you for following along with me this past year, you have made my life all the more beautiful. i'll be seeing you all in the new year!

 oh & lastly, it just wouldn't be a new year without my 3rd annual wood family montage! if you didn't get enough of my poor editing skills the past two years, well,  third times a charm!

happy new year!