what i know for sure

i woke up yesterday morning with my nose nestled in luca's hair. his hair smelt of leftover maple syrup from pancakes at granny's. it was a smell so warm & familiar. "log cabin," i thought. granny always buys "log cabin" maple syrup, just in the way she always buys bisquick mix & serves her pancakes with a little bit of butter & a whole lot of love. isn't it funny the things we remember from certain smells? my granny used to cook up pancakes and waffles for me as a little girl, now she is cooking them for my little boy & nothing is sweeter.

usually i'm up and out the door before L or miles even budge. having no alarm clock & having my boy all to myself was the best feeling in the entire world, bliss. i liked waking up before him, waking up slow & watching him sleep. i burrowed myself up against his little body and rubbed his dimpled hand in the palm of my own. new york city felt like a rat race & somehow simply lying in this bed with lu made all in the world right. enjoying those brief moments as if they were an eternity was just what i needed to bring me back to center. and sometimes i wonder how i could possibly love someone so much, but i do. 

there is nothing like it, parenthood. no place, no monument, nothing. no words to really explain how it is you feel. L is having surgery on his eye in the morning because his right tear duct never opened properly due to a blockage. this causes his eye to be constantly irritated and watering. i wish i could take his place & if they 'd let me, i would. my heart is nervous & even though i know the procedure is simple, i'd be lying if i were to say i wasn't afraid.  

when i was twelve, my appendix ruptured. my mom spent over a week with me in the hospital & never left my side,  not to mention the week & a half prior she spent cleaning up my throw up and hassling the doctors until they actually did something. clichés aside, my mom & her persistence saved my life. she made me feel so secure & so safe. i never got to thank her for that. a few years down the road she fought for her life so she might still be here for me to do that. she hung on when her heart had had enough and gave more when she felt like giving up. & i've only begin to understand now why she did what she did--i was her lu. i feel helpless, delicate, and completely terrified. she probably felt that way too. in the end, everything i'm feeling must be secondary to this--i have to be strong, so lu can feel nervous, force a smile, so i can try and make him laugh, be brave, so he can feel safe, & act confident, so he knows everything is going to be ok. this is the most difficult, most beautiful thing in the entire world. this is motherhood.
[& wasn't i lucky to have learned from the best]
watch over lu ma, tomorrow & always. & don't forget about me because i still need you too ;)
xo